Dating guru Ariadna Peretz looks at how society’s generalisations on dating and gender roles are slowly evolving.
In January I read an article by Marcel Zentner in Quartzy called Dating Preferences Among Men and Women are Looking Increasingly Similar, which has had me thinking for weeks. Well, maybe it’ll be months by the time I actually finish this article.
So, here’s the thing. In the wide and wacky world that is dating and relationships, we have some pretty traditional gender roles and concepts.
They include:
- Men pay.
- Women wait for the man to make a move.
- The man is taller than his girlfriend.
- Women should prioritize family life over their career.
- Men look for beauty in a partner whereas women look for (financial) resources in a partner.
It’s the 21st century but these ideas are still totally entrenched in our head as the status quo, wouldn’t you say?
These old-fashioned ideas aren’t good for anyone – neither men or women – because they constrict us and don’t allow us to live and love as freely as we wish. Why shouldn’t the woman make the first move if she wants to? Why shouldn’t the man stay home with the kids if he wants to? And if the woman is making enough money why does she need to date a man who makes even more? What’s the issue if the man wants to date a woman that doesn’t achieve society’s current beauty standards?
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According to Zentner, mating preferences among men and women are becoming “increasingly similar” and the reason why is “directly tied to increasing gender equality.”
He writes, “in more gender-unequal nations, such as Turkey, (heterosexual) women rate the earning potential of (heterosexual) partners as twice as important compared with women in the most gender-equal nations, such as Finland.”
He also says, “The more gender-unequal men’s personal attitudes, the more they prefer qualities in women such as youth and attractiveness; and the more gender-unequal women’s attitudes, the more they prefer qualities in men such as money and status.”
Zenter doesn’t know what comes first – the changing of the attitude or the gender-equalizing – but it may not matter if this is a virtuous cycle. Well, I would consider it a virtuous cycle. Wouldn’t you?
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If we use Zenter’s comments as a guide, we can expect that one day, gender equality will be fully achieved, and there will be no gap. By that point, it would be abhorrent to say the man must pay for the first date. Instead, it will be paid by whoever suggested the date or maybe they’ll just split the bill…and it won’t kill the romantic mood. At that point, women will be totally cool making the first move and men will have no issue being shorter than their ladies. And by then, women won’t be looked down upon for being the main breadwinner and men won’t be made fun of for wanting to focus on the family.
But we’re not there yet.
Here’s how the status quo harms us. Most women still want the man to take control – ask her out, make the first move, take care of the first-date plans, and pay the bill. This is an issue on two fronts: the woman is relinquishing control of her love life to someone else, while also placing a lot of pressure on the man to get everything right, and chances are he won’t get everything right and will be heavily penalized for every mistake or oversight he makes.
In my experience with matchmaking, I’ve noticed women are really in love with the idea of romance. Not sure if it’s because of Disney movies, Drew Barrymore rom-coms or whatever, but they’re all about romance. And part of the romance story line is the serendipity that brings the two lovers together. I feel that this is what every woman hopes for and what many hold out for.
It’s fine to hope for it but do you just hope for a promotion and not work for it? Do you just hope to lose five pounds and not cut back on the sweets? Do you just hope to go on a nice vacation but not save for it? No. You make a plan and get shit done.
Women take the initiative and are strategic with their work life and life-life but when it comes to their love life too many women leave it up to the guy (and sometimes it’s any guy) to start the ball rolling. I’ve even heard of women not using Bumble because they either don’t like or don’t appreciate having to make the first move and/or coming up with the opener. (That is such a lame excuse BTW.)
This is a dangerous MO because you’ve now surrendered control of your love life, which, if you’re thinking about it to any extent, is important to you. Sometimes women say they want to be led, other times it’s to see how much effort the guy makes, and other times it is 100% laziness and entitlement. Whatever your reason, you need to check yourself because if it matters, you have to do something about it.
The second issue is that it puts a lot of stress on the guy. There are so many expectations of him (half of which he isn’t even aware of) that the odds are stacked against him to perform to your level. This is a recipe for disaster because we have a bad habit of focusing on the negatives and rarely noticing the positives.
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I can’t blame you for docking him points for all his shortcomings. The reality is, the human mind is wired this way – we focus on the negative more than the positive. Losing HK$1,000 is a lot more impactful than finding HK$1,000. When it comes to a stranger that you’ve never met and haven’t formed an emotional connection with, how can you be expected to act any other way? The only remedy is to be aware of what we naturally gravitate to, the negative way of thinking, and to remind ourselves that going on a date isn’t a life or death situation so we don’t have to be so harsh.
The last thing is, it’s also important to realize that we can’t expect someone to read our mind and dropping hints is never the right way to communicate your thoughts.
I have a confession to make. I’m a 21st century matchmaker pushing a 21st-century agenda…but I still like it when the guy pays the bill for the first date. At the beginning, the guy paying the bill was the rule but about a year later I decided there should be no rules with Maitre D’ate, only suggestions.
There were a few reasons why I started having second thoughts, but the biggest reason why I took away the rule is because I read a study by Match.com called Singles in America. It said that 77% of the women who offer to pay their share of the meal do so to communicate that they’re not feeling any chemistry and they don’t want anything to happen. There is a feeling of indebtedness with the acceptance of a gift (be it a necklace, dinner or a drink) so by suggesting to split the bill most women are giving a non-verbal signal that nothing’s going to happen.
At some point in the future, women are going to feel comfortable being direct on this emotional-fraught topic but at the moment it’s still something they don’t want to say directly because of fear of retaliation (at worst) or awkwardness (at best). Men need to steel their egos and women have to steel their nerves so that communication is clear and transparent. We’ll have elevated to a higher state of consciousness when that happens.
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Reading Zentner’s essay was awesome because it’s exciting to think that at some point the gender roles in matters of love will be equal. This means each person is taking responsibility for their happiness and we will be communicating clearly (or at least more clearly than now) without ruining the chances of romance.
If you want something you can wish all you want but it’s not going to happen without a little planning and some initiative. This means women will have more control over their love life and men will not have to bear all the weight. This is the type of future I like.
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