Whether you’re fooling around where you shouldn’t be or your lady simply got carried away, these quick steps will help you remove lipstick from view.
It’s one of the oldest territorial marks of the fairer sex, a more elegant version of those love bites of your teens, and if you’re caught with the wrong shade at the wrong time, you’re on an express train to what Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) describes in The Big Lebowski as “a world of pain”. Fortunately, there are ways to rid your collar of the evidence.
Treat the Stain. You need to act faster than a ninja defending the honour of his father. Head for the bathroom and dab the stain with a wet tissue or a white cloth (not your shirt tales!). Gently flowing water and a slow dabbing process might help break down the outer layers of lipstick before the base settles.
If you’ve really been marked, you might consider buying a shot of vodka (use house, anything more would be a waste) and use the alcohol to help break down the oils of the lipstick. Don’t be afraid to claim a bathroom stall and whip off your shirt to do the job properly – after all, this is the future we’re talking about. Use the alcohol to soak the damaged area for a minute or two before using water again. Remember, dab, don’t smear, otherwise you’ll look like you were stabbed (we’ll come to that later).
If the shirt’s cleaning instructions say it’s machine washable you might be in luck. If you’re in a restaurant environment, tip the waiter to bring you some soda water and baking soda from the kitchen – take both back to your Bathroom Stall of Shame and use them to release the stain from the fabric.
If it’s safe to go home, you might want to pick up some pre-wash stain remover and leave the shirt soaking before whisking that Brooks Brothers beauty down to the dry cleaners. If you’re the gentleman caller of a femme fatale, ask to borrow her hairspray; it works in the same way as the bathroom vodka shot.
If all else fails, you might have to bite the bullet. Remove the shirt and rip it in the appropriate places to remove stain detection. When you’re ready to head home, add some street dirt, untuck yourself and mess up that perfect “Avalon” hairdo because you’ve got some fibbing to do. In your dishevelled state, an attempted mugging or bar tussle will detract suspicion, and if that doesn’t seem convincing, use your own blood to cover up the stain, claiming a sudden nosebleed brought on by work stress.
Either way, chances are you’re going to bleed.
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