Looking to delve into the minefield that is online dating? Here’s how to spot red flags in her profile and avoid dating disaster.
Navigating the wild west of online dating is like defusing a bomb while riding a unicycle—tricky, but doable with the right instincts. For every genuine online dating connection, there’s a profile waving more red flags than a bullfight. To safeguard you (and your wallet) from falling for this digital tomfoolery, we break down the biggest red flags you’re likely to encounter – from sneaky wordplay to curated image traps – and suggest what deeper understanding we might be able to glean from your potential amour.
Without wanting to sound too nostalgic, don’t you miss the good old days when you would sit in a semi-circle of your closest consorts in some happy hour-driven watering hole, drumming up the courage to approach a girl you’d been eyeing at the bar and ask for her number? It was innocent, organic, honest and respectful (for the most part). Sure, women have been wearing makeup since 6000 BCE to emphasise certain aspects of their looks while hiding others, but beyond push-up bras, Spanx, and stiletto heels, there was only so much they could do to deceive us during that first impression. The lion knew the gazelle and vice versa.
Fast forward to today, the age of the dating app (aka The Era of Digital Deception), and it’s far harder to know exactly who you’re talking to, what they really look like, and if they are, in fact, a real person.
“AI catfishing is increasing and is likely to rise further,” said cybersecurity expert Dr. Jessica Barker MBE, author of Hacked: The Secrets Behind Cyber Attacks, in an interview with The Independent. “The reasons for this can range from people simply seeking to improve their chances of success on the apps to deeply manipulative and damaging scams.”
To save you from the tragic fate of investing time, charm, and possibly your hard-earned dinner money on a woman who’s not what she claims to be, we’ve created a gentleman’s guide to spotting dating profile red flags and understanding their nefarious purposes.
Witness Protection-level Editing
Let’s be honest, all dating apps are geared around photos and their first impression-making potential, so it makes sense that we focus first on what women are doing to their images on dating apps, from applying filters to using AI to create something as fictional as a Trump tax return.
While we’re not trying to be discouraging here, when you do come across a matching profile with a flawless photo and the physique of a Victoria’s Secret model, you might want to pause for a moment of introspection – chances are such a catwalk diva doesn’t need to take a dip in the communal digital dating pool, so it might be time to slow your roll.
In fact, that flawless airbrushed skin and those perfect proportions could mean one of three things: she’s either the long-lost sister of Kim Sa Rang (and if so, kudos!) or, and probably more likely, she’s either burning a hole in her phone’s Facetune app or she’s an artful AI-generated fantasy (although that’s pretty easy to spot, for now).
“If someone only has one photo, uses blurry or low-quality images, or chooses pictures that don’t clearly show their face, it can be a major red flag,” says dating coach Amie Leadingham. “Even more concerning is when someone uses fake photos to misrepresent their true appearance, which is known as ‘catfishing.’”
This widespread photo manipulation is proving to be a real problem in the online dating world. A survey by dating website Plenty of Fish found that 70% of its users felt that filtered photos were deceptive, leading the dating site to ban filtered images altogether and to employ AI to filter manipulated photos from the site.
Another survey found that the majority of singles questioned would walk out on a date if the person showed up and did not look like their photo. Call us superficial, but for us, it’s just good manners to present yourself as you are.
Just remember, even naturally beautiful women have flaws (especially post-30, which is where most of us are fishing), and that’s what makes them beautiful! So if she looks like she should be standing in Madame Tussauds, or if you’re detecting slightly blurred edges (especially around the eyes and jawline), chances are you’re looking at a digital illusion and not your future wifie.
The Photo Album of Lies
Beyond the individual images, there’s a lot that can be gathered from her selection of photos, and what that selection shows – or doesn’t. If her profile is devoid of casual images, captured candid moments, images showing the progression of time, or any real variety for that matter, then that’s a drapeau rouge.
Also, if all her pics look like they were taken in a studio in Milan, or if they’re all solo portraits without friends, family or a greater (and more human) context, you might be swiping on a bot or a stolen identity. However, also be wary of group photos where it’s not clear who is who; these are either signs of deception or insecurity, neither of which is a particularly attractive trait.
“If a picture is worth a thousand words, three or more tell you a whole story,” says Hong Kong-based dating and relationship coach Valentina Tudose. “Whether you recognise it or not, your brain creates that story in a split second, and it may make you an unconscious enabler in the deception. Take a few moments to ask yourself before swiping right ‘If I feel attraction to this person, what exactly is the story I make about them in my head. Beyond the beautified pics, is this person someone I’d want to meet? If you are on a dating app with the real intention of meeting someone and not just mindlessly swiping for entertainment, these few moments of conscious evaluation will save you time and money.”
The Vague Bio
If her bio reads like a fortune cookie—“Living my truth” or “On a Journey of Discovery”—proceed with caution, young man. These platitudes often mask a lack of intention or, worse, a serial dater who’s quite happy “figuring it out”, likely on your dime.
Instead, a wise lad would look for the specifics of someone who is genuinely trying to get themselves out there: sports they’re interested in, hobbies they love, declared goals, or even a quirky personal fact. Remember, a blank or overly poetic bio screams, “I’m either boring and trying to look more interesting, or I’m hiding something,” while a revealing, detailed profile tells of someone genuinely trying to make a connection.
“The bio is like an elevator pitch – it’s meant to tell you everything you need to know to say ‘yes, I want to know more’ in 15 seconds or less,” says Tudose. “If what is on offer is not crystal clear and you are ‘buying’ based on packaging alone, don’t be surprised when the content is less than satisfying.”
Carrying Bitter Baggage
People on dating sites are single (OK, most of them), but that won’t have always been the case. We’ve all had past relationships, and sometimes they leave us with lingering resentments. Avoid femme de fatales who introduce these resentments on their dating profiles, trashing partners past with lines like “No liars or cheaters, plz” or “Tired of boys, need a real man”, as these are buzzing neon signs of trust issues and unresolved emotional baggage, and let’s be honest, most of us are already over our baggage allowence as it is.
The reality is that this isn’t just the venting of a scorned lover; it’s a preview of how she might portray you in her next profile. After all, healthy daters focus on what they want, not what they’ve escaped. It also shows a personality that has not enjoyed closure or who lacks self-restraint or an understanding of social nuance, both of which could be problematic down the line. Instead, a wise man would seek women who highlight positives (aka opportunities), like “Looking for someone who likes to stay active” or “Need someone to explain Star Wars to me”.
“People often reveal what you need to know about them from the first contact – you need to pay attention,” says Tudose. “Negativity indicates that powerful limiting beliefs shape this person’s view of the world, and you are guaranteed to fail to prove this person wrong. Not because you are in any way what this person fears, but simply because this is what they expect to see in everyone. So, best to swipe left and leave them to their traumas.”
The Influencer Vibe
Travel doesn’t come cheap, especially Instagrammable travel, so if her profile is a montage of Santorini sunsets, Dubai skyscrapers, Maldives overwater villas, but her job is listed as “freelancer,” it’s time you did your own KYC and questioned the funding. If she’s stacking the IG followers and every photo screams #paid, it might suggest she’s more into appeasing the faceless masses than making a real connection (with the alternative being she either comes from money or has no problem being a travel accessory for those who do).
Unless you have Cathay crew discount or you don’t mind living under a bridge so you can blow wads on travel, your best bet is to instead favour profiles with grounded vibes—snaps of days at local beaches, hiking with friends, or cosy bookshops in affordable destinations rather than endless jet-set glam – think of it as a more sustainable investment.
The Ultimatum Artist
An increasingly popular approach in a world that’s ever more materialistic, the laundry list of demands—“Must love luxury travel, earn six figures, and cook like David Chang”—must be looked at as a power play, not a preference (I mean, we all have those, we just don’t blurt them out). Such an approach signals inflexibility and a transactional mindset (if not early onset delusion) and often doesn’t equate to what she brings to the table, so to speak.
If her bio feels like a job application, you’re signing up for a boss, not a partner, one that’s looking for a man to show off, to elevate her own status or to feed her own ego rather than someone she values for the sum of their parts. Instead, keep your eyes open for women with playful or open-ended prompts, like “I like Hawaiian pizza; convince me otherwise” or “Recruiting for a karaoke partner.”
“Before you start swiping, spend some time writing down the qualities you desire in your ideal partner and screen for those (assuming, of course, you can meet those standards as well),” says Tudose. “These kinds of demands indicate a certain level of ‘delulu’ expectations that tend to set things off on the wrong foot, so give it a wide berth.”
The Ghostly Response Pattern
So you match with a great-looking lass only to struggle to get the conversation going because of her one-word responses (or the dreaded silence after a flirty first volley), that you might be dealing with someone who’s only online for the ego fix. Truth is, she’s probably either juggling too many would-be suitors or she’s just lapping up the attention and has no intention of taking it anywhere, especially when those non-engaging responses are paired with a flawless profile.
The reality is, the relative anonymity of the internet makes it the perfect playground for people to get such an ego fix without having to brave the waters of the real world, and potentially face rejection.
“Plenty of people use Tinder to amuse themselves during downtime, and even just for an ego boost (that is, to see how many people think they’re hot—a style of Tinder usage popular with those who score high on measures of narcissism),” said psychologist Elisabeth Timmermans in an interview with Psychology Today. “So if you’re finding it difficult to make connections on dating apps, take solace in this: It most likely has nothing to do with you.”
Even if she looks like everything you want, with people who are looking for gratification through the attention that dating apps provide, it’s going to be an uphill battle that’s likely going to drain you emotionally, so our suggestion is you pose a fun question or two, and see if she takes the bait. If there’s scarcely a nibble, make like a rolling stone and move on.
At the end of the day, in the online dating world, all you can really do is rely on your intuition and your gut. If it looks too good to be true from the outset, or if it looks unrelatable or unreal, it probably is. With so many bad actors plying the web looking for potential victims these days, the most important thing is that you keep your wits about you, trust your instinct, and see how things pan out.
Good luck!
For more Society stories, click here
LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? FOLLOW ALPHA MEN ASIA ON FACEBOOK, OR INSTAGRAM AND SUBSCRIBE TO OUR HONG KONG-CENTRIC NEWSLETTER HERE
