Newly single? Broken hearted? Keen to re-enter the dating arena? Follow these easy steps to remount the dating horse and ride it straight to an emotional victory.
Ah, dating—the dazzling rollercoaster of chemistry, connection, and occasionally, pure chaos. After a long-term relationship or a particularly nasty breakup, the mere thought of diving back into the dating pool can feel like standing on a diving board, trying to convince yourself you won’t belly flop. However, a few simple steps will ensure you don’t just survive but thrive as you make your triumphant return to the dating scene.
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Step 1: Give Yourself Time to Heal (Seriously!)
First things first: before you dust off those Tinder and Bumble profiles (and yes, that can be tempting), take a breath. Healing isn’t just a hollow platitude reserved for the meme posts of the lonely, loveless and cat-encumbered; it’s an essential step in the right direction.
“Getting your head straight after a break-up, especially in the case of a long-term relationship, can be a real challenge,” says Hong Kong relationship coach Dr Loretta Tam. “Secure a support system formed by loved ones, including your best friends, and ask for help whenever necessary. Don’t be afraid to seek advice or positive vibes – this should help you put your negative emotions into perspective.”
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However, once you’ve got your head straight, don’t just leap back into the dating world. “Getting likes and matches on dating apps may seem like an excellent cure for loneliness and the best way to reaffirm ‘you’ve still got it with the ladies’ but it is literally the worst thing you can do,” says Hong Kong-based dating and relationship coach Valentina Tudose. “Healing starts when you spend time reflecting on what didn’t work in that relationship and take responsibility for your role in its ending (Trust me, it was not ALL her fault!). It’s also the best way to prepare for the future by defining your absolute dealbreakers so you can easily screen partners when throwing yourself back in the dating pool.”
Instead, take this time to channel your inner wise sage and give yourself at least a few weeks (maybe even months depending on how long that tourist visa to Thailand lasts) to reflect, grieve, and revel in the charming solitude of being alone.
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This is the time to reclaim your essence—buy that fancy beard wash you always wanted, adopt a fellow maladjusted mutt from the shelter (also a great way to add some exercise to your routine), step it up at the gym or finally read that book about erotic Incan art that’s been gathering dust in your living room. Remember, you’re prepping for the comeback of the century and these things take time.
Step 2: Rediscover Your Interests (Spoiler: You’re Still Cool)
Once you’ve emerged from the inevitable cocoon of couch living, cheap whiskey and self-pity (or have been deported), it’s time to dig into your interests. Not only will this help trigger rekindled passions (hello, long lost motorbike buddies and pub trivia nights), but it also presents terrific opportunities to meet new people.
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“One might be tempted to fill the void by starting dating again as soon as possible,” says Dr Tam. “Of course, there are “success stories”, but it can be emotionally draining, particularly when we are still grieving for the break-up. Better give yourself a bit of extra time to get over the loss and plan the next steps. Declutter your mind and think carefully. Be fair to your new date and you won’t regret it.”
How about joining a local BJJ studio, taking up home brewing or learning to kiteboard? You may not score instant romance, but you’ll definitely regain your swagger. Plus, nothing says “I’ve got my life together” like an amateur bartender with a blue belt.
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Valentina Tudose believes the key word here is reinvention. “Why should it be ok for women to get a new haircut, dye their hair pink and go on a retreat with their besties while men have to grin and bear it? You can also focus on letting bygones be bygones and become exactly who you want to be. Approach the ending as a blessing in disguise: the opportunity to express whatever new version of yourself feels most natural at this point in your life. You can start by making a list of 100 things you want to be, do and have and try them one at a time. This is a better way to spend your time than doom-scrolling or orbiting your ex’s Instagram.”
Step 3: Assess Your ‘Dating Goals’ (No, Not Just to Avoid Your Ex)
Let’s clear the air: having a plan is key. Before you sign in to your favourite dating apps, sit yourself down with a strong cup of coffee (or a martini, we think you’ve earned it) and get clear on what you want. Long-lasting love? a casual fling? The last days of Caligula? How about simply showing your ex what they’re missing?
“Once you start to feel better [about the break-up], learn from your last relationship and identify the sources of conflict,” says Dr Tam. “Were they mostly to do with values, worldviews, or personality? You may also wish to revisit the trigger for the break-up. Do you find repeating patterns in your past relationships that bug you?”
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“It’s a very human trait to believe the grass is greener on the other side – only to find when we get there that it’s greener where we water it,” says Tudose. “This is indeed the moment to explore the pleasures you’ve denied yourself while in a commitment relationship but be sure to be clear on what you want to get out of it. Deciding if you’re dating for fun, creating new friendships or exploring new sexual encounters is not only going to keep things simple with the people you’re meeting but also help avoid the awkwardness of situationships, rebound relationships or ‘fatal attractions’.” She says this process will help you effectively screen out those partners you are not aligned with so you can date fun and stress-free.
Defining your dating goals – and even a timeline – will prevent you from getting ensnared in exhausting situations. After all, we’re here for the romantic thrill, not a trip down memory lane to heartache.
Step 4: Curate Your Dating Profile (It’s Your Time to Shine)
Well, you’re all healed and ready to mingle, so let’s tackle that dating profile. Think of it as your personal ad tailored for success. Like it or not, images are important so use sharp, engaging photos that showcase your personality — perhaps a charismatic candid shot while hiking or an action pic from your singles dive trip to Raja Ampat.
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Pair this with a witty bio that captures your vibe, perhaps something like: “Animal lover, bookworm, terrible cook,” or “Just looking for my soulmate… nothing serious.” Authenticity sells; let your true self shine through! Remember, confidence is like catnip for the ladies so don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself, show your attributes, and present a genuine self. Just keep that shirt on for God’s sake!
Step 5: Socialise like a Pro (Leave Your Comfort Zone)
It’s time to put your best foot forward. Embrace social outings and don’t be shy about initiating conversations with strangers.
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“The essence of masculine energy is action and leadership. There is nothing sexier for a woman than to feel the man who seeks her attention knows what he wants and is not afraid to get it. Read ‘get her’,” says Tudose. “Everyone wants to feel special and chosen so when you approach a woman, the trick is to make her feel like she’s the only girl in the world. The easiest way to practice this skill is to approach people you don’t feel are ‘your type’ to start with. The sting of rejection is a lot less damaging if we’re not that invested. This way you learn that flattery can get you anywhere and you may be surprised how easy this becomes.”
A good step is to join group events or activities — live music gigs, junk parties, festivals, cooking classes, and even speed dating events — as these are great platforms to meet potential matches while mingling with fellow enthusiasts.
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While you’re out and about, be the initiator (as long as it’s not creepy), strike up conversations, and remember: rejection is merely a stepping stone to discovery. Plus, if someone grimaces over your favourite pizza toppings or your appreciation of 90s hip hop, just know they weren’t worthy of your time anyway.
Step 6: Keep It Light and Fun (Life’s Too Short for Heavy Conversations)
As you start making connections, keep the mood light. Remember, you’re out here to enjoy yourself! On dates, steer clear of the heavy stuff—past relationships, ex-lovers, or existential crises. Stick to engaging topics that make you both laugh.
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“Humour is definitely the way to a woman’s heart,” says Tudose. “The proof of this is stand-up comedians like Pete Davidson, who are famous for dating some of the world’s most attractive women despite being average-looking and not particularly wealthy. It’s true that being funny is an acquired skill so you can consider getting some practice at comedy open mics nights or preparing a bunch of jokes you test with your friends that could work in a dating context.”
In addition, be sure to ask fun questions, especially ones that get the imagination juices flowing. For example, “If you could time-travel to any era, what would it be?” These conversations don’t just break the ice; they help you gauge compatibility without diving headfirst into the deep end.
Step 7: Date Like a Boss (Confidence Is Key)
The most vital rule in dating? As we said before, confidence is your greatest accessory – you’re not a little bird with a broken wing (unless that’s working) but an eagle that’s ready to soar. This doesn’t mean you should pretend to be someone you’re not, but rather, wear your unique quirks proudly.
“The roots of the word confidence are two Latin words that mean ‘with trust’,” says Tudose. “The key to being confident in a dating context is not trusting that you will never be rejected but rather ‘knowing’ that no matter what, you will be ok. You got this! Remember that rejection is redirection so the only thing you need to believe is that everything happens to your advantage.”
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Embrace your nerdy passions, from your love for dad jokes (even if you’re not a dad), and your obsession with Brazilian ju-jitsu Youtube commentary; to your favourite SNL skits, and your collection of vintage gaming consoles. Remember: if you don’t bring your authentic self to the table, then who will?
Step 8: Be Patient and Kind to Yourself (No Rushing!)
Lastly, remember: the dating scene is a marathon, not a sprint. Love (or even a good connection) often takes time, and yes, the occasional misstep is part of the journey.
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“The more time you take to reinvent yourself the more clarity you’ll gain about what kind of partner and relationship will make you truly happy,” says Tudose. “Take this period as a wonderful opportunity to work on more than just your dating skills but also how to be a better communicator, how to set clearer boundaries, how to settle for what you do not want and focus on choosing a partner you can create your dream relationship with as opposed to falling for the first person your body is attracted to. Successful relationships are about a solid combination of chemistry and compatibility and since the former is already a biological reality, all you really need to focus on is what makes someone compatible with you.”
Allow yourself to feel, adapt, and refine your approach – after all, you’re looking for someone different from your ex, right? And that’s going to take a little focus.
Good luck young man!
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